NOT BELONGING

Your primary fear is "NOT BELONGING" :


Your anxiety can center on a fear of being an outcast. It can also present itself as a fear of not being needed or of not being loved.

When you're afraid of not belonging, you are allowing your insecurities to take hold.

Perhaps you feel alone in the world or are afraid that you'll never find that "someone special" to spend your life with.
You might also assume — most likely quite incorrectly — that the people in your life simply don't care about you.
Have you ever found yourself thinking things like, "If I died tomorrow, no one would even miss me"?
It's doubtful that you actually believe statements like this one.
It's more likely that your inner self is voicing what you're most afraid of: that you are unimportant.

You might be surprised to hear that your fear of not belonging can actually have certain positive effects.
For instance, because you're concerned about your relationships, you likely try harder than others do to connect with the people around you.
You're probably also very giving and caring — perhaps to a fault — because you want people to like you.
This desire may result in a tendency to help others before considering your own needs.
Friends and family may have come to rely on your easygoing nature or willingness to compromise because your fears make you likely to steer clear of conflict when you can. If there's one character trait you probably don't want to be described as, it's difficult. So while fear can result in some fine traits that help you to get along well with others, the underlying motivation for these characteristics may be less positive.

Because your fear in this area appears to be large, there are times when its negative effects are likely to outweigh the positive ones.
When you allow your fears to get out of control, they can become overwhelming.
When this happens, you may find yourself feeling meek, unworthy, or prone to panic.

Over time your negative thoughts may even lead you to exhaustion or depression.

At its worst, a fear of not belonging can make you feel totally alone.
This anxiety can eat away at your self-love so that you start behaving in ways that make your fears become realities.
For example, you might stop attending group events because you always feel like a wallflower and dislike that someone else is always the center of attention.
You might also avoid making plans with friends, fearing that you'll be turned down or that they won't be interested in spending time with you.
If finding love is what concerns you, rather than becoming more active in your search for a mate, you might give up the hunt all together.
Because you tend to worry that your social efforts won't be successful, you may stop taking the time to even make them.

In this way your fears can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By keeping yourself out of situations in which you have the potential to feel ostracized, you deny people the chance to know you.
Others will not discover all the good traits you have to offer if you don't take the chance to interact.
If you find yourself getting to this point, you know it's time to take charge and learn to put your fears at bay.

Fortunately, most people don't let their fears grow to these levels.
Still, everyone can use advice on how to lessen fear's negative influence so that they can truly enjoy life.
Take Kendra, for example.

Kendra's romantic relationships always seemed to fizzle no matter how hard she tried. She was always attentive to her boyfriends — doing their laundry, running their errands, being there whenever they needed her. Although she didn't realize it, Kendra was so afraid of not being needed that she tried to build her romantic relationships around her selfless giving.
But time and time again, Kendra's boyfriends would leave her.
When she asked her last boyfriend the reason he ended it, he told her it was because she was too nice.
Kendra was beside herself. How could she be left for being "too nice?"
It wasn't until Kendra learned to quiet her fear of being left that she was able to be herself and take care of her own needs in a relationship.
When Kendra learned to love herself first, she found that she was able to maintain nurturing, balanced relationships that didn't focus on her making all the sacrifices.

Kendra is a great example of someone who learned to refrain from negative patterns so that she could stop being controlled by fear. One of the first ways you can help yourself get out from under fear's adverse influence is to recognize it.


You know what it feels like when you are afraid:
Your heart races, you sweat, your breath stills or quickens.
These body changes are real and tangible.
But did you know that fear changes your brain chemistry, as well?

When you're afraid, your brain prepares you for a "flight or fight" response, whereby you can either get away from what you're afraid of or combat it.
If there's an immediate threat to your life and limb, like encountering an attacker or a dangerous animal, this response can be a good thing.
But when your body begins to create this reaction time and again in response to imagined or nonlethal threats, it can be damaging to your health and well-being.


What exactly does a steady stream of fear do to you over time?
Take a look at the potential effects.

A continual high level of fear and anxiety can result in:
Poor immune system: You may find that you get sick easily and often.
Failing short-term memory: You may have difficulty remembering things that recently happened.
Difficulty concentrating: You may have a hard time focusing on tasks.
Impatience: You may become restless or anxious easily.
Exhaustion: You may be unusually tired, even when you haven't exerted yourself.
Feeling misunderstood: You may feel that people don't understand you.
Paranoia: You may think that people are out to get you.
Shame: You may feel unworthy or embarrassed about who you are.
Defeat: You may feel like there's nothing you can do to get out of a bad situation.
Loss of control: You may feel that you have no control over what happens to you.
Confusion: You may feel unable to think or act with clarity.


Your level of confidence often affects the degree to which your fears affect you. The more confidence in yourself, the more you're likely to both challenge your fears and have the skills to hold your ground against them.


Recognize the effects of fear :

Set aside some time to think as objectively as you can about your primary fear.
Try to identify both the triggers that set your fear in motion and the effects you typically experience as a result of it.
By really studying your fear and its repercussions, you take a healthy first step to releasing yourself from its hold.
Once you've come to understand your typical fear triggers and reactions, they can seem less scary.

You may want to try incorporating your thoughts on fear into journal writing. If you don't currently keep a daily journal, now would be an excellent time to begin.


Here are a couple of exercises to help you get your next journal entry off to a great start:

1.- Ask yourself: Is your primary fear informing the decisions and choices you make?
Try looking at the list below to begin thinking about ways that your primary fear is affecting the major areas of your life:
Career
Creativity
Family
Finances
Health
Intimate relationships
Personal growth
Social life

2.- Try writing about the following:
Are you honest about your fears with the people you have close and trusting relationships with? Think about the one person who you are closest to above all others. Are they already aware of your primary fear? Is there anything holding you back from having a heart-to-heart with them about this fear? The sooner you stop hiding your fear from yourself and those closest to you, the sooner you'll be able to disarm your fear.

3.- Begin keeping a daily log of the fear symptoms you experience. Understand that when you first begin your log, you may find that you have more fear reactions than you'd originally thought. If this is the case, don't be discouraged. You're not creating new symptoms by writing about them. You're just identifying the ones that have been with you all along. By getting a handle on exactly what fear is doing to you, you can start to minimize its influence on your life.



In addition to your primary fear, other fear groups affect you to varying degrees.

Tickle has identified five major areas of fear that occur in most people. Understand that it's completely normal to have some level of fear in each one. There's no need to become alarmed if your score indicates a certain amount of fear in an area where you feel confident and self-assured. That's natural.
Also, note that this test was not designed to measure clinical levels of anxiety.
If you scored very high in one or more fear areas and feel that you have an unusually high level of fear and anxiety, you may want to consider seeking professional help.

In the graph below, you can examine your fear scores in relation to one another:

Not Belonging ........................ 8
Not Being Good Enough ................ 7
Moving Forward ....................... 6
Being Unsafe ......................... 4
Losing the Basics .................... 4



Your score on the not belonging scale is 8. This scale measures your fear of being an outcast, not being needed, or being unloved.

Your score on the not being good enough scale is 7. This scale measures your fear of not measuring up to your own standards, being a failure, or embarrassing yourself in front of other people.

Your score on the moving forward scale is 6. This scale measures your fear of change, success, or personal commitment.

Your score on the being unsafe scale is 4. This scale measures your fear of being attacked, victimized, punished, or hurting someone else.

Your score on the losing the basics scale is 4. This scale measures your fears of death and illness, losing your shelter, or compromising your sustenance.



Over time, almost everyone collects both fears and negative perceptions about themselves.
Once these beliefs are formed, it's natural to seek out feelings and experiences that support these adverse emotions.

That's what the cycle of fear is all about:
experiencing a fear, reinforcing it, and experiencing the fear more.
As a result, you may find that you work yourself up into anxious states or tune out evidence that would disprove your fears.
You do these kinds of things so that you can remain consistent in your belief that you have something to be afraid of.
It's because of this conditioning that you may have difficulty abandoning your anxieties in favor of your truer self.

When operating under the influence of fear, you're likely to engage in behaviors that serve to feed your anxiety.
Excessive worry, negative self-talk, and visualizing disasters are all unproductive ways that you trick yourself into maintaining and enlarging your fears.
For example, you may think that worrying about a fear you have will make you more prepared to face it.
But in truth, worry only wastes your time and energy. It drags you down and can make you feel more hopeless.

Tickle has examined your test results to identify the primary behavior that allows your fears to persist.
Based on your responses, the unproductive behavior you're most likely to engage in is: excessive worry.

When you're feeling anxious or afraid, you may find yourself spending the majority of your time thinking about all the awful things that could happen.
By focusing your energies this way, you keep yourself from doing things that would be more useful — namely, taking positive action to change your situation for the better.
When your tendency for excessive worry is combined with your primary fear of not belonging, you might find yourself obsessing about situations that would leave you all alone.
Perhaps you worry that your friends will all marry and forget about you or that you'll have no one to comfort or support you in your old age.
Although you may feel like this thought pattern is very necessary to prepare you for the worst, in actuality it isn't.

If you're faced with a period of unwanted solitude, you will react to the best of your ability at the time.
The human spirit can be very resilient. By increasing the faith in your ability to handle situations as they arise, you can find the freedom to stop excessive worry.



= Break your cycle of fear =

Once you're better able to recognize when you're acting out of fear, you can begin to halt fear's cycle.
By taking positive, affirming actions instead of allowing anxiety to take over, you can begin to lessen fear's influence.
You have the choice.
Next time you feel held back by fear, try the following:

1.- Acknowledge that you're afraid or anxious, but don't judge yourself for this moment of vulnerability.
It's perfectly normal to experience fear from time to time.
Fighting against having your fear or denying it will only make your anxieties worse.

2.- Allow yourself some time to come to terms with your feelings but without immediately searching for solutions. This is simply your time to vent.
Ask yourself why you are afraid, and really listen to the answers you give.
Are your fears realistic or irrational?
Make sure you cite evidence that supports whichever belief you choose.

3.- Once you've come to an understanding of your fear, try to put it aside.
Have faith that your awareness of the fear and your understanding of how it's affecting you will inform your future actions.
You don't need to wonder if you'll do the right thing. Let your fear go and trust that you will act correctly.

4.- Next, shift gears. Ask yourself what you are truly committed to.
Is it your family, your ability to heal or teach others, your creativity?
Think about what it is that makes you feel happy and whole.
Recalling your strengths when you're facing fears can be a powerful thing. There may even be a way that one of your strengths can help you move past your fear. Take a little time to brainstorm about any ways this might be possible.
Take Sara, for example.

Sara was terrified because she was going to have to give a speech in front of a large audience of strangers. Yet when Sara thought about why she was afraid, she couldn't come up with one rational reason. To combat her irrational fears, Sara thought about her commitment to help others and her abilities as a teacher. Sara also recalled that she had actually enjoyed teaching smaller seminars in the past, though at first even these small groups made her nervous. Sara realized that she had overcome her original fear of teaching and that she could master this new fear, as well. Sara shifted her focus to think about the information she had to convey and how very interesting and helpful her talk would be for people who hadn't been exposed to the topic in the past. Sara felt a surge of energy and decided to stop wasting time on her fears. She instead set her sights on fulfilling her life's purpose to teach.


Next time you feel the pang of fear, remember that the feeling is human.
Allow your anxieties to be there, but not so strongly that they overtake your decision-making process.
Keep focused on things that are meaningful to you, and refuse to let fear derail you any longer.











Because Tickle is dedicated to helping you be your best self, our research team has created a test to help you examine one of life's core issues: fear.

By assessing your fear-driven behaviors and thoughts on five different scales, Tickle's What Are You Afraid Of? test serves to give you a better understanding of both the positive and negative ways fear affects your life.

By knowing more about how to accept and move past your fears, you can become happier and healthier and can have more energy for the things you really want to experience in life.

To create this test, Tickle's experts researched a variety of resources in order to offer you an accurate, understandable picture of fear's dimensions.
A combination of questions representing each dimension helped Tickle to determine your scores and create this personalized report.
Its goal is to help you make meaningful, positive changes for your future.
If you'd like to educate yourself further about fear and its effects, take a look at the reading list below.




Borysenko, Joan "Fire in the Soul":
A New Psychology of Spiritual Optimism. (1994).

Britten, Rhonda "Fearless Living":
Live Without Excuses and Love Without Regret. (2001).

De Becker, Gavin "Fear Less":
Real Truth About Risk, Safety, and Security in a Time of Terrorism. (2002).

Greene, Don "Fight Your Fear and Win":
7 Skills for Performing Your Best Under Pressure--At Work, in Sports, on Stage. (2002).

Jampolsky, Gerald "Love Is Letting Go of Fear" (1988).

Jeffers, Susan "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" (1992).

Keen, Sam and Jon Worden "Learning to Fly":
Reflections on Fear, Trust, and the Joy of Letting Go. (2000).

Maslow, Abraham "Motivation and Personality" (1954).

Pierrakos, Eva "Fear No Evil":
The Pathwork Method of Transforming the Lower Self. (1993).

Skyes, Barbara Wright "Overcoming Doubt, Fear and Procrastination":
Identifying the Symptoms, Overcoming the Obstacles. (1997).

Wilson, Carnie. "Gut Feelings":
From Fear and Despair to Health and Hope. (2001).




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